can i tell my math teacher i’m atheist and can’t solve exponential functions due to the fact that i don’t believe in higher powers or
this is probably the funniest thing i’ve ever said or will ever say
this is my time to shine
(Source: brokenwingsdontblink, via macklemorons)
My visit to get screened for cancer:
Nurse: "Sorry your boyfriend couldn't wait for you in the waiting room, it makes women feel uncomfortable."
Me: "He wasn't my boyfriend and I don't see how it would make them uncomfortable, but that's my opinion. He was here for moral support. I understood, and so does he."
Nurse: "So he's your...."
Nurse: (During the question asking) "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Nurse: "How old were you when you first became sexually active?"
Me: "....Loaded question but....14, I guess."
Nurse: "You're sexually active, then."
Me: "Well....I guess...but..."
Nurse: "How many times have you been pregnant?"
Me: "Uh. 0."
Nurse: "O...kayy...-Checks 'condoms' as my preferred use of birth control-"
Me: "I don't use condoms. Or take birth control."
Nurse: "Then how do you avoid getting pregnant?"
Me: "With homosexuality."
Me: "I fuck girls."
when you ask guys if they think another guy is good looking and they’re like ‘haha i don’t know i’m not gay’ like alright you moron i just wanted to know if you thought he was attractive not if you’d fuck him up the ass
you know what’s dumb
the concept of treating adolescents like children throughout the entirety of their teenage years and then at around age 17 pulling a complete 180 and expecting them to decide within the next couple years what they want to do with the rest of their lives
my sense of humor is so warped
i don’t laugh at actual jokes
i laugh at things like:
I WILL BUY AMERICA FOR 2 GOAT
NO NO THAT IS TOO MUCH GOAT
periods help you learn how to get blood off of things which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught with murder
hahahahahahah my life
*breaks down your front door* i just shaved my legs feel them